FIFTY SHADES OF BILL
by Aqua468
Summary: I'VE TAKEN SOME TIME OFF FROM RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES TO HELP YOU THROUGH ALL OF YOUR TRIANGULAR RELATED PROBLEMS IN LIFE. YOU'RE WELCOME.
1. NEVER

WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL.

YOU'D THINK THAT THERE'D BE MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO DO IN THIS DIMENSION OF MINE, BUT NO.

AND SO HERE I AM.

YOU SEE, A TRIANGLE LIKE ME CAN ONLY BE AMUSED BY SKINNING INNOCENT CHILDREN FOR SO LONG BEFORE IT GETS BORING, SO I HAD TO RESORT TO DESPERATE MEASURES.

BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL WAS A LITTLE TRICKY, BUT BOY WAS IT WORTH IT. I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW I MANAGED TO SURVIVE SO LONG WITHOUT THE INTERNET IN MY LIFE. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

YOUTUBE.

TUMBLR.

NETFLIX.

AND THEN I FOUND THIS PLACE. . .

I MUST SAY, YOU AND YOUR "SHIPS" UTTERLY DISGUST ME.

PINETREE? AND I? IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP? I'D TAKE DONALD TRUMP MULTIPLIED BY CANCER ANY DAY.

 _I HAVE SEEN THINGS I CAN NEVER UNSEE._

BUT ANYWAYS.

HEY. HELLO. SALUTATIONS, MORTALS OF EVERY KIND.

JUST A WARNING HERE, DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP AND EXPECT ME TO ACTUALLY TELL A STORY HERE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT I COULDN'T TELL A STORY, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.

DON'T DOUBT MY STORY TELLING ABILITIES.

SO I BET YOU'RE WONDERING, "BILL, WHY ARE YOU WRITING IN ALL CAPS?"

A GOOD QUESTION, AND I TOTALLY DIDN'T ACCIDENTALLY BREAK THE CAPS LOCK. THAT WOULD BE A COMPLETELY WILD AND UNJUSTIFIED ACCUSATION THAT HAS NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER AND _WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING._

SO FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT YELLING.

IT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

MAN, IF YOU FIND THIS ANNOYING, I COULD MAKE IT A WHOLE LOT WORSE. WATCH THIS. JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN A FEW SENTENCES FROM NOW. I DON'T ENTIRELY KNOW WHAT TO SAY HERE, I JUST REALLY WANT TO GET MY POINT ACROSS. WORDS. WORDS. LETTERS. SENTENCES. WORDS. MORE WORDS. HEY GUESS WHAT, MORE WORDS! I MA GNIOG OT YRT DNA ETIRW SDRAWKCAB OT EES FI ENOYNA SECITON. ETIRW 'NISNOCSIW' NI TAHT WEIVER XOB FI UOY DNATSREDNU. I BET YOU'RE GETTING ANNOYED JUST LOOKING AT THIS WHOLE MONSTROSITY OF A PARAGRAPH. YOU PEASANTS SHOULD BE GRATEFUL I DON'T DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I WONDER, IS ANYONE ACTUALLY READING THIS RIGHT HERE? YOU'VE GOT GUTS KID, MOST DON'T MAKE IT THIS FAR. MOST LOSE THEIR WAY IN THIS RAGE INDUCING SEA OF USLESS WORDS AND LETTERS. IT'S A LONG AND PERILOUS JOURNEY. NOT TO MENTION EXHAUSTING. HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO DO THIS TILL MY STATEMENT MAKES SENSE? THIS IS ALMOST AS BAD AS ALL THOSE CRAZIES OUT THERE WHO WANT THAT DIPPER KID AND I TO GET TOGETHER. WAIT, HOLD UP JUST A SEC. I THINK I CAN MAKE IT WO **RSE. YES, MU** _ **CH WORSE. THIS MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL. VERY POWERFUL. HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE YET? GOOD, ME TOO.**_

THAT WAS FRUSTRATING, WASN'T IT?

LONG STORY SHORT, I DO WHAT I WANT. 'KAY?

SO, AS LOVELY AS ITS BEEN, I HAVE LIVES TO RUIN AND DREAMS TO BURN. YOU KNOW, THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS, BUT UNTIL THEN, JUST REMEMBER-

 _ **REALITY IS AN ILLUSION THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM BUY GOLD**_

 _ **BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.**_


	2. GONNA

WHY HELLO AGAIN YOU ONE-LIFESPAN THREE-DIMENSIONAL SKIN PUPPETS.

DID YOU MISS ME? ADMIT IT, YOU MISSED ME.

ALRIGHT, SO I'VE GOT SOME TASTY ROASTED SPLEEN AND A COMFY CHAIR (I MEAN, NOT AS COMFY AS MY THRONE OF HUMAN AGONY BUT STILL) AND I'M READY TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS.

LET'S SEE . . .

" **SO YOU DON'T LIKE YOU AND PINE TREE SHIPPED TOGETHER, OR BIPPER, AS MABEL CALLS IT. BUT WHAT ABOUT BEING SHIPPED WITH MABEL?"**

ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT A MERE MORTAL IS WORTHY OF THIS SEXY BEAST RIGHT HERE?

AND BESIDES, EVERY TIME I GET WITHIN FIVE FEET OF THAT KID I RISK GETTING BEDAZZLED. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TOP HATS I'VE HAD TO BURN?

I'M TOUCHED THAT SO MANY OF YOU OUT THERE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE, BUT AT LEAST SHIP ME WITH SOMEONE I'M ATTRACTED TO. LIKE BEYONCE.

YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO CREATE A SHIP NAME FOR BEYONCE AND I.

" **NISNOCSIW WISCONSIN."**

FINALLY, A HUMAN BEING WITH SOME INTELLIGENCE.

ECIN BOJ, REVEREHW.

" **I'VE HEARD YOU HAVE OTHER DEMONS ABOVE YOUR RANK. YOU KNOW HOW YOU USED TO SKIN THOSE CHILDREN FOR FUN, WHAT IF THOSE ABOVE YOU ACTUALLY SHIPPED YOURSELF AND DIP- I MEAN PINE TREE FOR FUN JUST TO TICK YOU OFF? EW."**

DEMONS ABOVE MY RANK? ARE YOU REFERRING TO THE PATHETIC MORTAL I'M POSSESSING TO PHYSICALLY WRITE THIS? OR ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT LOSER ALEX HIRSCH, BECAUSE HE'S BEING DEALT WITH ACCORDINGLY.

ALSO, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT HALF THE INTERNET ALREADY SHIPS 'BIPPER' JUST TO TICK ME OFF, AND I HAVE NO PROBLEM ADDING A FEW MORE NAMES TO THE LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO SUFFER.

(EW INDEED.)

" **IF THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, WHAT IS PROJECTING IT?"**

THE REAL QUESTION SHOULD BE _WHO_ IS PROJECTING IT.

(TAKE A GUESS.)

" **IS IT OKAY IF I CALL YOU ILLUMINACHO? I'LL DO IT ANYWAY BUT JUST THOUGHT I'D ASK."**

ILLUMINACHO? SOUNDS LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF ILLUMINONSENSE.

BUT SURE KID, FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.

AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, I ALSO GO BY MASTER DORITO, EMPEROR ISOSCELES, AND STORMAGEDDON DARK LORD OF ALL.

. . .AND THAT SEEMS TO BE THE LAST OF THE QUESTIONS SO FAR.

WELL GUYS IT'S BEEN FUN, BUT I HAVE A LIST OF PEOPLE I NEED TO ASSASSINATE.

 **ILLUMINACHO OUT!**


	3. GIVE

WHY HELLO THERE.

OR AS MY GOOD FRIEND DIPPY-FRESH WOULD SAY, WIGGITY WIGGITY WHAT'S UP DUDE BROS?

(SORRY, THAT WAS TERRIBLE.)

BUT THANKS FOR STOPPING BY ANYWAYS. IT GET'S PRETTY LONELY IN THIS DIMENSION OF MINE.

ONTO THE QUESTIONS!

" **I'VE DONE SOME SNOOPING AROUND. SO, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DIPPER REFERRING TO YOU AS MR. DORITO, THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE EATEN, IN THE JOURNAL HE STARTED USING AS A DIARY? I'M ASKING ABOUT THE EATEN PART."**

WAIT, A DIARY? SERIOUSLY? THAT PINE TREE IS SIMPLY _ADORABLE_ SOMETIMES.

BUT WAIT, WOULDN'T EATING ME BE CANNIBALISM? NOT THAT I'M AGAINST CANNIBALS, BUT TRIANGLES ARE PEOPLE TOO.

I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT. . . CANNI **BILL** ISM.

(QUE FACE-PALMING)

HA, I CRACK MYSELF UP SOMETIMES.

AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M SURE I'D TASTE DELICIOUS.

" **SO, I HAVE TO ASK, IF YOU ARE 1 SHADE, WHAT ARE THE OTHER 49 SHADES OF YOURS TRULY?"**

WHO SAID I WAS EVER ONLY ONE SHADE? WHY CAN'T I BE ALL FIFTY SHADES AT ONCE?

AFTER ALL, I'M A PRETTY SHADY DUDE.

" **HOW WOULD YOU LOOK AS A HUMAN- I MEAN MEAT SACK? SHOW US, PLEASE? A SELFIE MAYBE. . . ?"**

ONE WORD: ATTRACTIVE.

I'D BE THE BEST LOOKING MORTAL TO EVER GRACE YOUR PRESENCE.

AS FOR THE SELFIE, I'D LOVE TO. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT SUCH TRUE AND MAJESTIC BEAUTY SIMPLY CANNOT BE CAPTURED ON CAMERA.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

" **BILL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO GOOD AT PLAYING THE PIANO! :D"**

I KNOW, I'M PRETTY TALENTED IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED. THOUGH I MUST SAY, I'M MUCH BETTER AT THE ELECTRIC TRIANGLE.

ALSO, IMPRESSIVE. I WAS UNAWARE YOU MORTALS COULD SPEAK "SMILEY FACE".

THE REAL QUESTION IS HOW YOU SAY ":D" OUT LOUD?

" **WHO ELSE ARE YOU ATTRACTED TOO?"**

I REFUSE TO SAY UNTIL SOMEONE COMES UP WITH A SHIP NAME FOR BEYONCE AND I.

" **CAN I SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS TONIGHT? I HAVE SOME ISSUES AND I AGREE ABOUT THE SHIP. YOU ARE BILLIONS OF YEARS OLD AND DIPPER IS 13. OH, AND THE SHIP NAME IS BILLDIP."**

SURE KID, YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT.

WHAT KIND OF DREAMS ARE YOU HAVING ISSUES WITH? IF IT'S THE KIND YOU LEARN ABOUT IN EIGHTH GRADE HEALTH CLASS, I'M NOT SURE I'D BE OF ANY HELP, BUT I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

ALL I REQUIRE IS A SMALL _FAVOR_.

 **WHAT'S YOUR OPINION ON ANIME, AND WHY DO YOU WANT US TO BUY GOLD?**

ANIME? LOVELY STUFF.

I ESPECIALLY ENJOY THE ONE'S WHERE PEOPLE SUFFER.

(COUGH COUGH ATTACK ON TITAN FOR EXAMPLE COUGH COUGH)

AS FOR THE GOLD, IT'S JUST THE BEST POSSIBLE THING OUT THERE.

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

ALSO, IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.

" **SO MR. ILLUMINACHO, IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE LIGHTNING ROUND!**

(CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.)

 **DO YOU WATCH MY LITTLE PONY FRIENSHIP IS MAGIC?**

(WHO DOESN'T?)

(IF YOU ANSWERED NO, YOU'RE LYING TO YOURSELF.)

 **IF SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DISCORD? HE'S IN THAT SHOW THE GOD OF CHAOS SO I BELIEVE YOU WOULD GET ALONG JUST FINE.**

(NOT BAD, THAT GUY. NOT BAD AT ALL.)

(JUST TO BE CLEAR, I WOULD DEFINITELY WIN IN A FIGHT.)

 **ALSO, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE BREED OF DOG?**

(GOLDEN RETRIEVERS TASTE THE BEST.)

 **WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DORITO?**

( _I AM MY FAVORITE DORITO.)_

 **NACHOS WITH CHEESE OR WITHOUT?**

(CHEESE.)

 **GEORGE WASHINGTON OR "HONEST ABE"?**

(CLEARLY YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABE LIKE I DID.)

 **DAY OR NIGHT?**

(NEITHER AT THE SAME TIME.)

 **GREEN, BLUE, OR PINK?**

(GOLD.)

 **AND FINALLY,WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG?**

(WILDEST DREAMS.)

(I SEE MYSELF IN THAT SONG.)

(IN A NICE DRESS.)

(STARING AT THE SUNSET.)

(RED LIPS AND ROSY CHEEKS.)

(JUST SOME CASUAL FANSERVICE FOR YA RIGHT THERE.)

 **(BE CAREFUL HOW YOU ANSWER THAT LAST ONE BILL I AM A SWIFTY AND I WILL NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE TAYLOR SWIFT DEFENSE SQUAD DOWN HERE , AND LAST I CHECKED TAY'S TWITTER HAD ABOUT 70 OR SO MILLION OF US.)"**

(YOU WANNA FIGHT?)

(I'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON AT ONCE.)

(AND WIN.)

. . .AND THAT SEEMS TO BE IT FOLKS.

AND TILL NEXT TIME, I'LL BE WATCHING YOUUUUUUUU~


	4. YOU

HAHA WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M BACK. SURPRISED? SORRY ABOUT THAT WAIT GUYS, BUT I SWEAR IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

YOU SEE, I'M 'BORROWING' SOMEONE'S BODY SO I CAN WRITE THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW. (HAHA THAT LOSER WANTED HELP WITH THEIR CLASSES.) NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE MORTAL BODY IS WEAK AND PATHETIC, BUT THIS ONE WAS MORE PATHETIC THAN I EXPECTED. LONG STORY SHORT, I PARTIED TOO HARD. I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT IT'S NOT EASY TO TYPE WITH NINE BROKEN FINGERS AND A RUPTURED SPLEEN.

BUT WHATEVER. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I'M BACK, BABY.

 **BILLONCE, THERE YOU'RE WHALECOME.**

YES, FINALLY! YOU HAVE MY THANKS, YOUNG MORTAL.

ALSO, I BELIEVE I MADE A CERTAIN PROMISE TO SAY WHO I WAS ATTRACTED TO IF THAT PARTICULAR SHIP NAME WAS CREATED BACK IN CHAPTER THREE, SO. . .

NOT MANY ARE WORTHY OF THE LOVE AND ADMIRATION OF A GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIANGLE SUCH AS I, BUT THERE IS ONE IN PARTICULAR I HAVE MY EYE ON.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH, BUT THERE IS A CERTAIN FLOWEY FROM THE WORLD OF UNDERTALE THAT INTRIGUES ME.

 **HOW WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD? THE WAY YOU DESCRIBED YOUR HOME DIMENSION IT SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS A TERRIBLY FLAT EXPERIENCE.**

WELL THAT'S ONE WAY TO PUT IT, FLATTER THAN A STEAMROLLED DORITO.

WAIT, WAS THAT A PUN?

 _ARE YOU TRYING TO MOCK ME?_

 **WISCONSIN.**

AH, VERY PERCEPTIVE.

 **DO YOU WATCH HETALIA AND DO YOU THINK ITALY X HOLY ROME IS HILARIOUS?**

HETALIA? OF COURSE! WHO DO YOU THINK PLAYS THE ILLUMINATI IN ALL THAT ILLUMINONSENSE? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T CATCH ALL MY TRIANGLE CAMEOS.

I THINK THAT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS HILARIOUS SOME EXTENT, BUT ITALY X HOLY ROME ESPECIALLY.

 **ARE YOU ANNOYED AT HAVING TO SHARE YOUR NAME WITH 50 MILLION OTHER BILLS OUT THERE? CAUSE I KNOW I WOULD BE IF I WERE YOU.**

ABSOLUTELY, BUT YOU AND I WON'T HAVE TO SUFFER FOR TOO MUCH LONGER. I ONLY HAVE ABOUT 18 MILLION MORE ASSASSINATIONS TO PLAN.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

HASTA LA PASTA! TILL NEXT TIME, SKIN PUPPETS.


	5. UP

WELL IT'S BEEN A WHILE, AND BEFORE YOU START THROWING ROTTEN FRUIT AND DEAD CATS AT ME LET ME EXPLAIN.

THE OWNER OF THIS WEAK MORTAL BODY HAD THESE THINGS CALLED "RESPONSIBILITIES" AND TRIED TO REVOLT AGAINST MY CONTROL.

 _AND THEN_ , DURING THE EXILE, SOME KID WAS PLAYING SOME WEIRD GAME AND THOUGHT I WAS A POKEMON. _A POKEMON._ I BARELY ESCAPED WITH MY LIFE.

SO DON'T BLAME ME, BLAME THE MORTAL.

BESIDES, YOU COULDN'T STAY MAD AT SOMEONE AS BEAUTIFUL AS ME, RIGHT? _**RIGHT?**_

NOW, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF YOUR QUESTIONS.

 **BILL, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, HOW _GORGEOUS_ ARE YOU?**

 **(IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE A 12)**

WHY THANK YOU, YOUNG SKIN PUPPET. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

HOWEVER, I WOULD GIVE MYSELF A _FIFTY_ OUT OF TEN.

* _WINK_

 **I WALKED INTO THIS EXPECTING ONE THING.**

 **. . .**

 **. . .**

 **THIS WAS NOT IT.**

OH MAN, I'M ALMOST SCARED TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING.

(SOME M-RATED "BILLDIP", PERHAPS? I HAD A DREAM THAT WENT LIKE THAT. ONCE.)

 **QUICK, FIVE QUESTIONS ARE FIRED AT YOU IN QUICK SUCCESSION!**

(BRING IT ON, MORTAL)

 **ARE THERE ANY SHIPS THAT YOU HATE MORE THAN BILLDIP?**

(WELL, NOT THAT YOU MORTALS AREN'T FREE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, BUT I LITERALLY FEAR NOTHING EXCEPT MAYBE BILLDIP. SO, NO.)

 **DO YOU READ ANY BOOKS AND IF SO, WHICH ONE IS YOUR FAVORITE?**

(I READ MORE FANFICTION THAN BOOKS THESE DAYS, BUT ONCE I CAME ACROSS THIS BOOK CALLED FEAR: A CULTURAL HISTORY. MY EXISTENCE HAS CREATED QUITE THE LEGACY. I WAS SO PROUD)

 **HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CATS?**

(CATS. NOT REALLY MY FAVORITE EVER SINCE THEY TRIED TO OVERTHROW ME BACK IN MY EGYPTIAN DAYS. SNEAKY LITTLE THINGS.)

(NICE TO CUDDLE WITH THOUGH.)

(DON'T TELL ANYONE I SAID THAT.)

 **IF YOU COULD GO TO ANY PLANET, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU GO TO?**

(GOOD QUESTION, IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER THERE'S INTERNET OR NOT.)

(YOU GUYS ARE STARTING TO GROW ON ME.)

 **FINALLY, ARE YOU THE HEAD OF THE ILLUMINATTI?**

(IT'S KIND OF A LONG STORY. IT STARTED AS A DORITO FAN CLUB, AND SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL FROM THERE.)

(BUT YES.)

(YES I AM.)

 **KNAHT UOY, LLA YTHGIM DROLREVO OTIROD TAHT SKLATS RUO SMAERD, ROUY EMIT SAH NEEB DETSAW.**

(YOU _FEIND._ )

 **BILLONCE. BILLONCE FOREVER. I SHIPS IT.**

*TIPS TOP HAT

 **AND THE CHAPTER TITLES ARE A _MEME_ OH MY KRIFFING GOD. XD**

DAGNABBIT, I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT. SHHH, LET THEM REALIZE IT ON THEIR OWN.

 **BILL PLEASE VISIT ME IN MY DREAMS TONIGHT! YOU ARE AMAZING!**

SURE, KID. JUST LEAVE OUT A BOWL OF DORITOS OR SOMETHING, 'KAY?

 **ALSO I DON'T SHIP YOU WITH DIPPER EITHER. SOME OF US FANS DON'T, DON'T WORRY. ;)**

MUCH APPRECIATED.

;) RIGHT BACK ATCHA', HUMAN.

 **THIS IS GOLD, PUN INTENDED.**

I ALWAYS APPRECIATE A GOOD PUN.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S GOLD INVOLVED.

 **SO BILL. . . DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAME ABOUT? BECAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER A CERTAIN TV SHOW CREATOR SAYING THAT HIS FRIENDS AND HE DECIDED TO DRESS UP THE PYRAMID EYE FROM A DOLLAR BILL IN "AN OUTFIT AND GAVE HIM STUPID LITTLE ARMS AND LEGS." AND EVERY TIME, EVERY _DANG_ TIME, I THINK OF THAT, THEN THINK OF BIG BAD BILL CIPHER, _I LOSE IT._ WHAT DO YOU THINK?**

WHAT DO I THINK?

WELL MAYBE I THINK THAT _YOU_ HAVE STUPID LITTLE ARMS AND LEGS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO DO PUSH UPS?

DO YOU KNOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO REACH THE BOTTOM OF A BAG OF DORITOS? I PRACTICALLY _BECOME_ A DORITO AT THAT POINT.

WELL, AT LEAST I CAN CAN SAY THAT I'M MADE OF MONEY. CAN _YOU_ SAY THAT? HUH?

HONESTLY, YOU GUYS CAN BE SO INCONSIDERATE SOMETIMES.

ALEX IS GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!

BY THE WAY GUYS, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN GET PINETREE TO STOP BY. YOU KNOW, A LITTLE CELEBRITY GUEST APPEARANCE. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION FOR HIM, FEEL FREE TO ASK. I'M SURE HE'D BE _GLAD_ TO SHARE HIS OPINION.

TILL NEXT TIME! STAY POINTY!


	6. IT WON'T LET ME NAME THE CHAPTER NEVER

GREETINGS MORTALS! BILL IS BACK!

AND THIS TIME, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST!

NO, NOT CAPTAIN AMERICA, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH. SAY HELLO TO MY INTERNET FRIENDS, KID!

"Let me go, Bill!"

PINETREE, HOW'D YOU FIX THE CAPSLOCK?

"Not telling. Let me go! I don't want to be part of your demented- what did you call it? Fanfiction? How did I get here in the first place?"

THE FANFICTION GODS ARE QUITE POWERFUL, YOU CAN DO ALMOST ANYTHING ON FANFICTION.

"I don't care! We defeated you! Why can't you just leave me alone?"

DID YOU KNOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS?

"I find that hard to believe."

NO, I'M SERIOUS! SOME OF THEM ACTUALLY SOUNDED PRETTY EXCITED TO SEE YOU! ARE YOU REALLY GONNA LET ALL THESE PEOPLE DOWN? DO IT FOR THE FANS!

"Excited to see me? Well- fine, okay. I'll do it."

EXCELLENT! ONTO THE QUESTIONS!

"Questions?"

 **HEY BILL, WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT WORSHIPING YOUR MAJESTICNESS?**

"Why would you ever ask that?"

I'M LIKING THIS QUESTION.

WELL, I DO ENJOY A GOOD SACRIFICE.

YOU KNOW, SOME CANDLES, A FEW BAGS OF DORITOES, A SMALL CHILD OR TWO, AND A DASH OF SALT. AND TRIANGLES. TRIANGLES EVERYWHERE.

"Please don't."

 **THIS IS FLAWLESS, I LAUGHED SO HARD I SPIT ALL OVER MY SCREEN. BILL YOU MAJESTIC CREATURE.**

WHY THANK YOU, I AM QUITE MAJESTIC AREN'T I?

 **DIPPER'S GONNA BE A GUEST NEXT TIME? AWESOME. DIPPER, HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN BILL WAS POSESSING YOU?**

"Ugh, it felt horrible. Having your soul ripped from your body isn't fun in the first place, and it felt like my arms were made of jello or something when I was a spirit. The inside of my skin was itchy for a week!"

AWW, C'MON PINETREE, PAIN IS HILARIOUS. _ESPECIALLY_ YOURS.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I HAD A GREAT A GREAT TIME, YOU ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT HUMAN BODIES ARE WEAK AND WIMPY.

"Hey!"

HAVING NOT ONE, BUT _TWO_ EYES? IT WAS DELUXE! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO WATCH 3-D MOVIES WITH ONE EYE? WITHOUT DEPTH PERCEPTION?

 **SO BILL, DO YOU SHIP DIPPER WITH WENDY? ALSO, PLEASE VISIT ME IN MY DREAMS TONIGHT TOO!**

"Do people usually ask you visit their dreams?"

ALL THE TIME. WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE ALL _THIS_ WHILE THEY SLEEP?

"You are literally a triangle with stupid little arms and legs."

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT PINETREE? I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT I SHIP YOU WITH THAT REDHEADED WENDY GIRL THAT YOU LIKE SO MUCH, BUT I DON'T THINK I WILL.

YOU GUYS CARE TO INFORM HIM ON WHAT EXACTLY "BILLDIP" IS?

 **DO YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE?**

OF COURSE, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES IN THE SHINY GOLD PACKAGING.

"Same here."

 **HEY MR. ILLUMINACHO DORITO!**

 **SO... BACK IN Q/A 2 GUNNA, YOU MENTIONED YOU WERE CALLED STORMAGEDDON DARK LORD OF ALL... WHOVIAN MUCH? :)**

 **BTW I GO BY ECHO SONG, DAUGHTER OF 11 AND REVER SONG/ MELODY POND.**

NO SHAME!

NO SHAME FOR POSSESSING THE BABY EITHER.

 **AND... YOU'RE AS GOOD AS GOLD! ;)**

 **(PUN INTENDED)**

WHY THANK YOU. I WOULD WINK, BUT AS I'M SURE I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE, IT WOULD LOOK LIKE YOUR AVERAGE BLINK.

THE STRUGGLE OF BEING A ONE EYED CREATURE IS REAL.

"Who's the wimp now, Bill?"

 **I _WILL_ STAY POINTY.**

 **ALSO, I DON'T SHIP BILLDIP.**

 **DIPCIFICA FOREVER.**

YOU DO THAT, MORTAL. YOU DO THAT.

"Okay, but what's Billdip?'

OH, YOU'LL SEE PINETREE.

 **HEY DIPPER. WHAT'S YOU'RE REAL NAME?**

"My real name? It's Ma-"

C'MON, THERE HAS TO BE MORE INTERESTING QUESTIONS THAN THAT! LET'S MOVE ON!

"But-"

ONWARDS!

 **SO BILL, HOW MANY FORMS DO YOU HAVE AND COULD YOU POSSIBLY DESCRIBE SOME OF THEM?**

I HAVE FORMS WITHOUT NUMBER! AN INFINITE SUPPLY. YOU'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM IN THAT TV SHOW OF ALEX'S.

FOR EXAMPLE, I HAVE A HUMAN FORM, WHO IS QUITE ATTRACTIVE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.

ONE OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITES IS WHEN I DIVIDE INTO ABOUT 100 ORANGE MINI-BILLS. I CALL IT DORITO MODE.

 **AND I'VE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER SHIP NAME FOR YOU AND BEYONCE: BILLYONCE.**

LOOK AT THIS, KID! THEY SHIP ME WITH BEYONCE!

"Poor Beyonce."

 **ACTUALLY I DO HAVE NOODLEY ARMS AND LEGS, THANKS FOR NOTICING. AND FOR ANSWERING ALL MY QUESTIONS. MUCH APPRECIATED. ;)**

(HEY PINETREE, THIS SKINBAG HAD NOODLEY ARMS AND LEGS TOO! YOU TWO SHOULD BE FRIENDS!)

 **AND OH A GUEST APPEARANCE? I SHALL BE WAITING...**

"Sup?"

 **WISCONSIN. (BY THE WAY, THE WORDS WERE JUST SDRAWKCAB)**

UOY T'NOD YAS.

"lliB, yhw era ew gnitirw ekil siht?"

ESUACEB EW NAC.

 **WATCHA DOOIN?**

"Being held against my will."

FOLLOWING MY DREAMS!

 **OH YEAH, AND I _MIGHT'VE_ GIVEN ONE OF YOUR MANY FANCLUBS THIS LINK, SO YOU MAY GET LIKE A MILLION AND ONE QUESTIONS. XD**

 **(AND YES, I WAS MEMBER NUMBER ONE IN THE FANCLUB.)**

I HAVE A FANCLUB? PINETREE, I HAVE A FANCLUB!

"The people in this dimension are messed up."

DON'T BE SO HARSH KID, THEY'RE NOT SO BAD.

FOR MORTALS THAT IS.

AND I THINK THAT'S IT FOR THIS TIME.

IT'S BEEN LOVELY.

SAY BYE, PINETREE.

"Please save me from this insane dorito."


End file.
